Flush twice... it's a long way to Sally Quinn's place!

Pundit Pap
for Jan. 18, 2004
Corn Fed
If the Sunday Sultans of Spin weren't giving us corny coverage in Iowa, they were talking about it ad nauseam
the Pundit Pap Team
JJ Balzer | Morrie Friendly | Sharon Soon

Jan. 18, 2004 -- NEW YORK/LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- Need we say it? Issue one was the suddenly-close horse race in Iowa, with the caucuses set to take place tomorrow. If you believe the polls, it's anyone's race. Jeff Koopersmith doesn't (see below).

Naturally, there's plenty of cornball coverage of all those just-plain folk at the coffee shop, the general store, the local church or the town hall in Iowa -- practically the same shots, stories and setups we've seen since Jimmy Carter put the Iowa Caucuses on the map back in 1976.

Naturally, the media is not covering the real story -- the media. There seems to be a concerted effort to run damning pieces about front-runner Dr. Howard Dean, according to a study from the Center for Media and Public Affairs (http://www.cmpa.com/pressrel/EW200401.htm).

Now what was that about a liberal media bias?

Here's all the turgid action, mostly from Des Moines, as we saw it this morning.

This Weak
Players: Host George Stephanopoulos, Democratic presidential contender Sen. John F. Kerry (D-MA), Republican National Committee Chairman and Karl Rove puppet Ed Gillespie, plus an unannounced cameo appearance from ABC anchor Peter Jennings and Howard Dean

At the top of TW, Steph reported on a car bombing earlier today just outside the US/IGC compound in Baghdad, Iraq -- an attack that killed over 20 people, including 2 US civilians. But far be it from Steph to linger on yet another symptom of miserable failure in the cradle of civilization -- it was time to start flogging the latest media meme: the coming "photo finish" in the Iowa caucuses.

Steph, like the rest of the press, seemed to act as if the four-way race in Iowa were some sort of huge surprise, but anyone who has been following the unrelenting press attacks on Dean and understands that most races do tighten as caucus day closes in.

Steph cut to an interview with Dr. Dean by Peter Jennings, who was on his way to Plains, Georgia to meet with Jimmy Carter, the man who, as Dean pointed out, "put the caucuses on the map." Why should voters go for Dean instead of Gephardt? Because, Dean said, he can win, he has experience, and he stands up for what he believes. (In truth, any one of the front-runners could have said the same thing -- but Dean gave Jennings that sort of "You mean, you haven't figured that out for yourself" look he occasionally flashes when he's confronted by a dumb question.) Dean praised all of the candidates as good men but cautioned that none can generate the enthusiasm he can. (And on that point he is right. The only one who seems to come close is Gen. Wesley Clark.)

Steph then welcomed Kerry, calling him the "front-runner." (Kerry, looking as if Steph had just put the kibosh on his whole presidential run, said, "Don't do that!") Steph's first question: what happened? Kerry said the Iowa voters are independent; Steph said they're undecided. So Kerry seized on that point: he's the one with the most experience and will press the issue of national security, and asserted that he and the Democrats can win the war on terrorism. (Dems take note: Kerry is right to seize on the issue of national security. Nabbing Saddam did not make Iraq or America safer. Keep saying it 'til it hurts. It should.)

George Will actually threw Kerry a bone and allowed Kerry to talk about his idea for a national health care plan. Twice during the appearance Kerry invoked the name of Harry Truman. Will suggested that Kerry wants to see the election turned into a referendum on national security . This enabled Kerry to launch into talking points from his stump speech:
-- a scathe of "inept and ideological foreign policy"
-- a fake economic recovery engineered for big corporations, not the American people, who are losing ground
-- an anecdote about one man he met on the campaign trail who has been out of work for two years and a wife just diagnosed with MS
-- a Bush "recovery" that is leaving people behind
-- a stern reminder that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is NOT the measure of the American economy
-- the ongoing big business scandals, most recently mutual funds, and offshore corporations sticking it to Americans by avoiding taxes

Up to this point, Kerry did not sound all too swift addressing questions from Steph and Will, but once he let loose with some of his talking points he sounded like he was alive and had something resembling the fire in the belly.

When Steph said Kerry's "target" was Iowa, Kerry shot him down: the target, he said, is "a failed president." Steph tried to pin a negative, anti-Wesley Clark mailing, on Kerry (the mailing called him, for example, a lobbyist with GOP ties). Kerry looked uncomfortable and tried to wriggle loose and avoid the issue by saying he was not running negative TV ads -- but also called the mailing an effort to inform voters. He talked about two of his rivals who, he claims, want to raise taxes. Will Kerry release a list of lobbyists who have given money to his campaign, details of meetings with lobbyists, and his complete tax records, as Clark has called for? Kerry said he had released all his tax records and refuses to accept PAC money (which was not quite an answer to the question).

Will asked a typically skewed question about what poll numbers supposedly showed. Kerry dismissed the polls (what candidate doesn't), saying that he wants to appeal to the loftier aspirations of voters before throwing in a few more lines from his stump speech:
-- no parent writes to Congress asking for dirtier air (we like that line)
-- Smirk's education agenda is a disaster

But Will pressed him: how many Americans are really undecided about the Bush Boy? It's about issues and people, said Kerry, millions of children left behind, financial scandals, fake "energy" bills -- the Bush team is not setting the real and needed American agenda. (Translation: we'll have the undecideds on our side of the fence before the conventions.)

Ed Gillespie, who has been scrambling around cable news for the last couple of weeks like a reactionary sewer rat -- mostly to smear Howard Dean and Wesley Clark -- was the next guest. In fact, with that greasy-charcoal-gray 1950s haircut and rumpled suit, Gillespie really does look like a holdover from the paranoid Cold War Goldwater right wing of American politics ready for his interview with Lawrence Spivak and Irving R. Levine to denounce Godless Communism and secular humanism...

He pressed a few talking points about "success" in Iraq (one word refutation, Ed: "Ka-BOOOOOOM!") before admitting that the presidential race looks close before claiming the Dems are "moving down" while Republicans are "moving up" and there is an appearance that the GOP's doing just fine on national security and job creation. (Right: we've created a lot of jobs in India and China, Edster. And, by the way, where's that Osama bin Fergaddin guy?)

But his comment about the closeness of the race is in fact a pretty ominous admission -- in other words, that sniping, disunited Liberal menace that Rush and Hannity keep railing about could beat the Bush Boy like a piñata!

Gillespie tried to claim that Smirk "inherited" a recession according the Joseph Stiglitz without mentioning a few salient points:
-- The Junior Bush spent months talking down the economy before he seized power in a Supreme Court handover
-- "There is no evidence -- none -- that the economy was in recession when President Bush took the oath of office on Jan. 20, 2001... According to the Commerce Department, the economy grew (albeit slowly) in both the third quarter and the fourth quarter of 2000, by 0.6 percent and 1.1 percent, respectively." Forget to read that one, Eddy? (You can find the rest of Daniel Gross' debunking of this Karl Rove/Ed Gillespie lie at http://slate.msn.com/id/2076134)

In the very same sentence, Gillespie also tried to blame Clinton for the myriad financial scandals which have bubbled to the surface.

Yeah, sure, Ed-Bob -- Clinton himself were personally responsible for all those mutual fund rip-offs and ordered Ken Lay to game the energy market -- NOT!! Never mind that Clinton not only opposed most of the deregulation that was an underlying cause of many of these scandals but wanted to bolster existing regulations.

So congratulations, Mr. Ed -- you're APJ's Sunday Pundit Prevaricator of the Week!

Nice job, too, with a twofer in the same sentence.

Steph and Will confronted Gillespie on the gay marriage issue. Gillespie tried to change the subject and talk about the "Defense of Marriage" as a minor issue, but that simply acknowledged that the GOP and the Doofus-in-chief plan to make the gay marriage issue a key plank in their "scare the Bible thumpers, bigots, Confederate hangers-on and Republican-puppet rabble" platform.

Steph rattled off a list of the candidates' names, and Gillespie rattled off his inflammatory anti-candidate bullet points. He actually did the candidates a favor by tipping the GOP's hand on the various "wedge" caricatures they intend to use to scare voters.

Thanks for the heads-up -- moron!

-- JJ Balzer

FOX News Sunday
Why bother anymore?
Players: Host Chris Wallace, Dean campaign manager Joe Trippi

Chris Wallace bragged about FOX News' exclusive use of the "ornate" Senate chamber in the Iowa capitol -- which goes miles in betraying FOX News' agenda of propagandizing on behalf of the greedy and ostentatious to fool Joe and Jane Six-pack -- before trying to depict the tightened race as some sort of major defeat for Howard Dean. Carl Cameron had to admit that "trial lawyer" John Edwards in particular has surged, while putting in a swipe about "questions" concerning his organization.

What a joke. We say that the surge is due to a solid campaign organization and very strategic timing on a shoestring budget.

Cameron also tried to depict anything less than a big victory for Dean as some kind of loss.

Needless to say, thinking people know better. FOX has been in the vanguard of Dean-bashing outlets, knowing full well that Dean's appeal is broad and could well be deep enough to sink the Texas Dauphin's hopes of a second round of long national nightmare.

Chris welcomed Trippi, implying Dean peaked too early. Trippi ignored the spin and talked about the terrific Dean organization and grassroots campaign. Chris suggested that as voters get to know Dean they like him less. Trippi said that the Dean message is a direct rebuke of lobbyists and special interests (including, we would guess, NewsCorp). Chris claimed that the press anointed Dean (what a laugh -- the truth is that the press has been methodically attacking Dean -- see http://www.cmpa.com/pressrel/EW200401.htm) -- how would anything less than a win not be seen as a loss? Trippi said that the Dean campaign does not rely on special interest money -- it's not as much about Dean as it is about Americans taking back control of democracy (we say that Trippi should have cited the study and included examples of FOX News' bias -- then followed up by asking Chris how he enjoyed his new job with a sham "news" outfit that is nothing but Karl Rove's Cable Wurlitzer).

But to our surprise, Chris gave Trippi a chance to plug the campaign as an insurgent effort from outside of the Democratic establishment to unify all Democrats.

One thing has become clear -- since the departure of the very gifted,very funny and very hard-right Tony Snow, FOX News Sunday has become the worst of the Sunday pundit shows. Wallace is stiff, unengaging and just plain boring -- and an even bigger water-carrier for Roger Ailes than the sometimes-independently-minded Snow was. It's just no longer worth watching.

-- JJ Balzer

The McLaugh-In Group

It's been far too long since I've written about lovable curmudgeon John McLaughlin and his band of semi-loser panelists on The McLaugh-In Group, which includes McLaughlin himself, Pat Buchanan (famous for enriching himself by making impossible runs for the presidency and kicking his sister Bay out of the family because she dared to marry a Mormon), Mort Zuckerman (publisher non-extraordinaire) and my favorite, the highly underexposed Eleanor Clift.

The panel opened up mocking Howard Dean -- but then three of four tell us Dean will win Iowa.

Huh?

The entire Iowa caucus discussion was a huge waste of time. No one knows how effective the candidates' ground troops will be -- and only tomorrow will tell the tale. My money is yet on Dean.

"Is Paul O'Neill a truth teller?" There is nothing on television quite like John McLaughlin bellowing a question as if the very fate of the world was at stake. Ron Suskind's new book "The Price of Loyalty" details O'Neill's experience as that Bush boy's Secretary of the Treasury, and has a ring of truth as it pertains to the Bush Administration planning to go to war with Iraq months before 9-11.

McLaughlin would not let the Saddam thing go. John showed O'Neill spilling the beans on Bush and then Ted Kennedy going over it again in a speech made largely to liberal supporters. Kennedy called Bush a "distorter of the truth."

Ted should have called Mr. Bush a liar.

Zuckerman tried to tie Clinton's take on Iraq to this Bush rat-out. Nice try, Mort, but it didn't work. Mort was then forced to say that O'Neill was telling the truth. So what is Mort doing on national television defending Bush?

"Puke-anan," of course, says that there is no evidence that Bush "ordered" an attack at that first cabinet meeting months before 9-11. Nice try, Pat, but you only prove you're as big a liar as the Bush people!

Then Zuckerman called the early plans "a predilection." Nice try again -- but no cigar.

It's pretty clear that conservative stalwart McLaughlin now seems to think Bush is the biggest liar since Pinocchio. Mort says O'Neill"lacquered it up," but would not say he lied.

Why, oh why, won't anyone use the "L" word?

McLaughlin then moved to "creeping protectionism" and lost his audience. This discussion was about the global economy.

What a funny coincidence. Corporate America -- or perhaps I should say "the corporate universe" -- has already discovered that nationalism is a waste of time and that one-world government, ruled by General Electric's board of directors, is the way to go. Imagine the health care bill for that!

Buchanan said, "Free trade is dead!" Clift said let's see Bush get rid of Agriculture subsidies.

No one wraps this up with any credibility, including Buchanan. Is he getting dotty?

John's final question: which two Democrats will be left standing? Pat: Dean and Clark. Eleanor: Dean and Kerry. Mort: Dean and Clark. And then the show was simply cut off in the moment with McLaughlin getting to yell -- at the last moment -- "Bye Bye."

Bye bye, indeed.

McLaughlin has an astonishing way of covering all the important issues, and always a ringer in about 20 minutes of air time. He is the best at picking the issues as the week ends and the best at amusing his audience while entertaining them. It's too bad that he does not have the courage to have a panel of really intelligent men and women who could be taken far more seriously.

Ms. Clift is just one who can be taken seriously.

Memo to John: get rid of the old meat and bring on some new.

-- Morrie Friendly

Meet The Press

Just like the other worms who haven't spent a single day in Iowa unless it's a day or two before the caucuses, Tim Russert -- looking more pale, corpulent, and pug-arrogant than usual (and is he gaining weight again?) -- and the entire NBC news "elite," including weekday NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw, turned out to spin the Democrats.

Russert started by interviewing Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-MO). Gep's latest poll numbers look "not so good," said Russert. Gep replied that no one knows who is going to show up.

Here's the truth: Gephardt, if he really can control the unions, can have more people show up at the caucuses than anyone else. Our editor emeritus, Jeff Koopersmith, e-mailed this note to me early this morning:

>>> ... [t]his caucus will depend on one thing -- the strength of the
>>> union bosses who back Gephardt. If they can order their members
>>> -- at least half of them -- to show up at these caucuses tomorrow
>>> night then Gephardt will have the biggest upset in Iowa history.

Looks like Koop is going against every poll and every pundit this weekend. Here's how he calls it

>>> Count on Howard Dean, or Dick Gephardt in first or second place
>>> (it's that close)
>>> John Edwards takes third
>>> John Kerry fourth
>>> -- and very, VERY close on all four counts.

We shall see.

It should be noted that Dr. Dean is also backed by thousands of union members -- not as many as Gephardt, but a formidable number, backed by thousands of Americans, the so-called "Deaniacs" (the nickname kinda makes me want to puke) from all over the country who are in Iowa this week making sure that they drag every breathing Democrat to the caucuses.

Gephardt was as embarrassing as Kerry was this morning on TW, throwing kudos at himself, putting Dean down, and saying things such as, "People really want you to fight for them."

How astute. Gep must believe that many MTP viewers must assume that people vote for politicians who will not stick up for their well-being or their rights.

Gep's biggest problem at the national level is that he is perceived as a loser, someone who does not stand up and fight, someone who has allowed Karl Rove and Tom DeLay to pummel him. He's tried this, it seems, so many times before that he will have trouble winning in my book.

But I would put five bucks on him as a "short long shot."

The press has turned on Dean over the past two weeks. Why, we are not sure. Perhaps it's his "bulging neck," as that embarrassment to the once-great New York Times Maureen Dowd posits this morning. No doubt the once-Clinton-obsessed "MoDo" is sulking that Dr. Dean did not keep his telephone appointment with her.

We have one word for you, Maureen: lavalife.com! It is the most stud-u-licious online dating site in the known universe, especially for a cosmopolitan babe such as yourself. Take my word for it -- as in I'm speaking from experience, hon. It will help your writing -- maybe to the point where you might actually deserve that next Pulitzer. But I'm not banking on that as even a short long shot.

I know, I'm getting a little off topic here. Bear with me.

Russert took no pains NOT to insult General Wesley Clark, bringing up the irrelevant factoid that at some point Clark lauded Bush for his stand on Iraq and terrorism. What do Russert and the rest of his ignorant staff thing Clark should have done as an industrial lobbyist and ex-Pentagon big wig think? Does he really think that Clark, before he decided to run, should insult the ex-Texas guv in a way that could kill his income?

Sheesh!

Gephardt sounded nervous and at a loss. He whined about what the President should have told the people about Iraq -- but his continued excuse for having supported Bush War II rings untrue. Gephardt blamed the CIA for telling him half-truths.

Yeah, sure.

Russert bleated something about trade and terrorism. Gephardt talked about how people earning nothing turn to terrorism. Huh?

Then Russert, the Georgetown village idiot, said that Osama bin Laden and the hijackers were either rich or middle-class. God, could NBC have found a bigger moron to host MTP? Edwin Newman is spinning in his grave. Obvious fact: poor people don't plan crimes like the September 11th attacks. They can't afford crimes like the September 11th attacks. What does the income of the terrorist leaders have to do with people hating the United States because our companies and our allies' companies pay them ten cents a day for hard labor in a sweatshop heated to 115 degrees?

Memo to Russert: get an education or go back to sportscasting! Go Bills! You should have asked Gep about how he can tout protectionism and still worry about the poor!

Russert then shifts into even deeper moron mode: "They just hate us, they hate our way of life!" Yeah, that's the ticket! That's what it is! It's just that simple! Every family in Afghanistan that eats two ounces of rice a day reads the New York Times around the dinner table and then decides that the United States is The Great Satan -- and decides to HATE US !!!

How naive can Russert be?

Correction and amplification: How STUPID and INANE can he be?

Gephardt then tried to explain his crazy tax scheme, which he claims will not raise taxes. Gep, Gep, Gep -- why not have the courage to say, "Look -- we can't take care of our country by paying little or no income tax -- period!"

To be fair, Gephardt is not alone on the tax issue. All the others Democratic candidates, save Dean, sound the same horn. Howard Dean is only one who at least implies, "Yes, we are going to have to pay a large bill -- but we can make our nation stronger and raise salaries thereby -- and the tax bite won't feel as bad!"

Gephardt tried that ol's routine about "creating" new jobs. But this is more clowning -- the president can't "create" new jobs. Jobs are created by DEMAND -- and demand is largely created by a prosperous POPULATION. The more people in America with disposable income, the bigger the demand for products. Simple.

The real problem, and Gephardt knows this, is PRODUCTIVITY. If the unions were stronger, they could slow down, be a little less productive, and raise the requirement levels for NUMBERS of employees. Americans are more overworked than any nation in the Western world. They work long hours, have tiny vacations and basically work themselves to death for the man.

It's time to slow up -- go to a four-day work week for instance. That alone would employ every man in woman in America -- a rise of 20% in the jobs market.

Russert wanted to know if Gephardt is surprised that Dean got a lot of union support, and
ended the interview with this question: "Will you do the Duck Walk with Chuck Berry tonight?"

What a jerk.

Yet Gephardt offered to do it RIGHT THEN AND THERE!

Unbelievable.

Next came the "cranium" of National News, Tom Brokaw, to give us at least some breathing room from Russert's stupidity. One wonders how Brokaw even tolerates being in the same studio with Russert.

Also on hand was Roger Steinem. Roger who? Steinem explained the technical ability of Dean and Gephardt well though. He talked about the fact that both campaigns know EVERY single voter in IOWA with hundreds of precinct captains that will pull them all out by their ears if necessary.

Dan Balz was on this panel too. He called Dean and Dick Gephardt "momentum candidates," struggling to keep what they had. That's not a bad analysis, actually -- but in fact Dean is not losing all that much. Remember: Iowans are famous, and I mean really famous, for LYING to pollsters. They hate them even more than politicians do.

I have three pieces of advice for people following the Iowa caucuses:

1) DO NOT rely on the polls!

1) DO NOT rely on the polls!

1) DO NOT rely on the polls!

Yes, it may turn out to be correct -- but only by luck! And remember, you heard it from the Korean chick at APJ.

Here's a fact: most Iowans are still undecided -- at least 35% of them -- so no one knows a damn thing about what's going to happen.

And anything that occurs between now and tomorrow evening could change EVERYTHING!

Iowans are sweet, ingenuous people for the most part, but they are also not the sharpest knives in the American drawer. They are more the sheep than hog farmers. They have little choice but to shop as Wal-Mart, they feed the pigs, and they reproduce thanks to the bitter winter cold and the boredom. Their best restaurants include Appleby's, Domino's Pizza, and the local bowling alley.

What you are witnessing on television these days is GREED. The networks are souping this Iowa thing up for one thing -- to gain about $20-50 million more in advertising revenue! It's that simple. So don't get excited about Iowa. Really.

One only had to watch the Gephardt "rally" in Iowa on C-SPAN last night to see that. Hundreds of Iowans were standing around in sweat pants and hunting jackets in a lousy auditorium holding ridiculous "Gephardt for President" placards and listening to tapes of Eminem (I honestly wonder if they even know who the white rapper is).

They are puppets, some bored out of their minds living in that Godforsaken state and all relishing their semidemiennial moment in the media spotlight. What they want is to be rich enough to move to the beach -- and they hope Gephardt can do that for them.

The Russert panel went on to use every trite phrase in the Beltway jargon lexicon."They need someone who can BEAT GEORGE BUSH." Brokaw liked the phrase "ABG" -- "Anybody but George."

I can't agree more. I'd vote for Rev. Al Sharpton if it came down to it.

Bush will lose on two issues: the Iraq mess, and his lies that went with it. But I wouldn't put it past Dick Cheney to arrange something worse than 9-11 to save the day! Believe me. The Colored Alert system of the ridiculously named "Office of Homeland Security" will be on BRIGHT ULTRA RED by October of this year. Count on it!

Again, the panel starts motormouthing about Democrats looking for someone who can beat George Bush. Gee, I never could have guessed that for myself. The truth is that the voters themselves can BEAT George Bush -- just vote against him, you idiot panelists, no matter who the Democrat candidate is!

I'm telling you, I'd nearly had my fill of Russert's silliness -- but then, Russert turned to New Hampshire where Dean has a commanding lead. Joe Klein -- also on the panel -- talked about the DNC Chairman's Terry McAuliffe's plan to get the nomination out of the way early in this cycle.

He and Russert talk of a five-car pileup in the early days.

We shall see, because Dean may well be able to pull off an early and authoritative "I win."

Finally, Russert asked Brokaw the following:

"Tom Brokaw, how much would you pay to see Dick Gephardt duck walk tonight?"

That one question sums up Russert's "intellect" like nothing else.

-- Sharon Soon

(A brief PS to the brilliant Margaret Cho [http://www.margaretcho.net]: I'm another "token" [not!] Korean woman [actually, half-Korean] who loathes Bush. Arrest me, John "Asscroft" -- but I doubt you're woman enough!)