The Speech George W. Bush Should Have Given the American People on Iraq

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: It's no wonder the President's speech on his latest shift in Iraq tactics was a bigger bomb than Ishtar.

It wasn't Bush's nervous, stiff demeanor. It wasn't the fact that he preempted prime couch potato fare. What it came down to is that most people have no faith in Bush's Iraq Adventure. And it sure as hell didn't help that nobody — but nobody — likes an obfuscator, especially when they speak in short, declarative sentences that make people feel as if they're being treated like children.

Jeff Koopersmith took a look at the text of Bush's disastrous speech and added a huge helping of the truth. Here's what he thinks Bush should have said about Iraq.

 

Good evening.  

Tonight in Iraq — well I'm not in Iraq, I am here in Washington (heh-heh) — well, we are continuing to put our boys and girls in harm's way pretending this struggle will change the direction of the "global war on terror" and our investments in oil production in the Middle East.  

I have a new plan, stacked on top of the sixty seven other plans that the nitwit civilians who I trusted but disappointed me, to say the least, screwed up.  This new strategy, which I though up myself last night while watching a Lina Wertmuller film, will change America's course in Iraq, and help "us" succeed in the fight against "terror" — a word I will use a lot tonight because that's what Karl Rove told me to do, that little pudgy know-it-all.

When I lied to you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots in a trumped-up election that America foisted on them.  None of them have even an inkling of what a democracy is — but think that American voters actually dictate who their leaders will be, and what actions they will take.  This "dream world" is what we are pushing in Iraq — but they just don't buy it.  For instance, in that Iraqi election there were two main players, which happened to be religious sects — the Sunnis, a minority, and the Shi'ites, the vast majority.  Saddam was a Sunni, but he was smart Sunni and controlled the Shi'ites for decades using, well, tactics like we use at Abu Ghraib, or in Guantanamo where we keep those darn terrorists in little cells all day without due process because we don't have follow the rule of law in a foreign country. Pretty tricky, huh?  (Heh-heh.) That's what I call American ingenuousness — I mean ingenuity!

Anyway, so I lied to you a year ago. So what? I had to.   

First, the Sunnis didn't have a chance and many of them were terrified to "vote" because the Shi'ites were already dragging them out of their homes and cars and murdering them right on the street. Y'see, the Shi'ites were kind of like the "American Negro" in the South — there were a lot of 'em, but Saddam was quick to keep them under control like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson did on behalf of his people — the American version of the Sunnis. But then Saddam was gone — hiding in his dirt trap — and the Shi'ites were engaged in payback.  Needless to say, the Shi'ites got all the votes and we had to blackmail them into sticking a couple of Sunnis and Kurds in higher position in the government just to make it look good.

Yet those elections in 2005 were a stunning achievement — or so they tell me.  After all, how could anyone predict that the United States — along with about 200,000 "coalition troops" and the most terrifying assembly of weapons on earth — could force a bunch of crazy Arabs to actually vote?!  Well, we did it — and we also made them dip their fingers in purple ink, just for a laugh.

Last year, the truth started leaking out.  The violence in Iraq overwhelmed our troops, but I will pretend it overwhelmed "the political gains the Iraqis had made" which I cannot describe but which resulted in indescribable poverty, torture on the streets, no electricity, dirty water, not a nickel of profit from their massive pools of oil — and that's just for starters!  

This violence in Iraq, particularly in Baghdad, was, of course, caused by Emanuel Goldst… er, Al Qaeda terrorists, and maybe Saddam-like Sunnis who realized we had purposely fixed the election to get rid of them and now realized they were screwed.  So, what did they do? They responded with outrageous acts of murder aimed at "innocent" Iraqis — much as we did, by accident, over the past few years — killing maybe 50 or 200 thousand Iraqi "innocents" by mistake.  Oh, the Saddam Sunnis also blew up some mosque I never heard of, a shrine or two — all this was "calculated" to anger the Shias enough to retaliate.  Well, I guess they were already angry and retaliating — but that was retaliation against the terrible Saddam — not the Sunnis in general — so that's a different thing.

So, through no fault of mine — although we were warned a million times by a million experts around the world that this would happen — Iraq is in a "vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today," a civil war which we caused by sticking our noses where they did not belong, perhaps — and mind you, I say perhaps because Cheney and his pals wanted to make some big bucks.

Well, to be honest, we here in the White House really don't care what happens in Iraq.  If I had things my way I would let them slaughter each other.  However, it seems that my idiot friend Karl Rove hasn't got a brain in his head and now has succeeded in rolling back 22 years of corporate effort and billions of dollars in bribes and illegal political advertising, delivering BOTH — not ONE, but BOTH — houses of Congress back to the Democrats, and on top of it all, my own party — the Neocon Republicans — wants my head because they think they will lose even more seats in the House and Senate, and of course the White House, come next year.   

The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people and it is unacceptable to me — but for far different reasons.  Americans are sick and tired of allowing me to put more than 3,000 American boys and girls in early graves, and are disgusted with the fact that every American — man, woman, and child — will owe about $150,000 in taxes to pay for this fiasco.  

I, on the other hand, am living in a fantasy world constructed — more or less like the Reagan White House and my father's White House — by a bunch of idiots from Oz and who pretend to have family values — which appear to include killing a few hundred thousand people each decade with sophisticated weapons invented by GE and other American giants of industry.

Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me — and that's why I should be impeached. But that's not in the cards because the Democrats don't have the cojones to try it — at least until I attack Iran.

Even our troops don't trust me anymore and so I had to fire that idiot Donald "Gramps" Rumsfeld — sort of throwing some chum to the sharks, if you know what I mean.  

Naturally I understand, from some advisors, that I can continue to chuck our boys and girls into a meat grinder which has crippled and maimed maybe 30,000 of them — because the "mind works in mysterious ways," and most of these kids and their parents want desperately to believe that they are defending freedom, when in truth they are defending international business, which America is desperately trying to lead — although the Chinese are gaining on us every day, not to mention those creepy India people.

Anyway — I have to change my plan to make you people think I know what I'm doing and to mollify you so I can spend the next year or two on my ranch cutting brush and chopping wood.

So my national security team (and I use that term loosely), military commanders and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review. This consisted of meetings held in Room 450 — like the ones regarding Iran-Contra — eating a lot of cold pizza and drinking cold coffee while screaming at each other and blaming Condi Rice for everything.

Then we even talked to Democrats — once again pulling the wool over their eyes — or trying to, telling them they would pay if this war didn't go my way — because I would blame them for it (heh-heh).  

We talked to our allies — but England wasn't signing on again.  Goddamn that Blair. And I thought he was gonna be a nice poodle again.

We threw that infuriating Iraq Study Group egghead report in the trash, but I promised Jim Baker — my Dad's Rottweiler — that I would say we looked at it.

You might be surprised to learn that I believe the message from that report is: failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States.   But you'd be wrong. That WAS the message if you are smart enough — like I am — to read between the lines.

Here's what I think: if we fall short, those diaper heads will get more powerful and get more people to join them — although almost every Arab already hates our guts.  Then they could topple the American puppets in the Gulf States, like the King of Saudi Arabia and those wheeler-dealer Wahhabis in Kuwait.  While that is what we want, in the end, we also want to control the oil

Iran — those loons — would then get nukes for sure, and these enemies of America would have a safe haven to launch attacks on the American People!  Then they would attack France, Germany and Russia — and at that point, there goes the whole shebang.  

Of course, I am pretending that we couldn't fight back with the thousands of warheads in our own nuclear force — but that's really not the point. The point is to scare the shit out of you so you will be blind enough with fear to support my latest brainless idea.

Now, I will play a dirty card.  Nine One One.  Terror, terror, terror!  I will say, without some shame, that 9-11 demonstrates the great power these extremists already have.  So you can imagine what they will do next — probably blow up Disney World or something.  Rather than sit down and talk with these punks, which is clearly an un-American thing to do, I say git'em now — but not the smart, way without putting our kids in the line of fire, like carpet bombing or worse all these Arabs once and for all.  No, sending boots to the ground is far more interesting, macho and nationalistic.  Of course, Laura thinks we should drop flyers before we carpet bomb the Arabs so the children under three can be evacuated.

Look at me — look me in the eye.

The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow. They would use oil revenues to fund their ambitions, and what's funny about that is that WE would be buying the oil (heh-heh)!

So here are the figures we made up about Iraq today.  80% of "sectarian" violence occurs within 20 miles of Baghdad.  However sectarian violence is only party of the story. There is also our violence — but again — 70% of that takes place in the capital as well.  

This here violence is shaking Iraqi's confidence — at least the Sunnis.  And who can blame them?  Now they're the targets! Ironic, isn't it? That's the power of the United States.

Here is my "aggressive" plan.  Like Rumsfeld was told time and again by our generals — and yep, I ignored 'em too — there are not enough troops in Iraq.  I mean, I mean Iraqi and American troops — they told me to say that, almost forgot.  

We have failed in Iraq for two principal reasons — now, the truth is there are about two dozen reasons (like my IQ, heh-heh), but that's for history to decide.  Again — not enough troops (duh) and too many restrictions on them — we frowned on soldiers murdering, raping, or killing Iraqis for fun, sport or retribution.  That's now over.  Of course — for Iraqi troops only. Americans will continue to toe the line (wink wink).

Anyway, this new General I lined up to head things there is the same guy who cleaned up another town — nothing like Baghdad, mind you, but he did do a pretty good job, so I tapped him.  Besides, our generals were about to stage a coup here in Washington when I deflected them and actually asked their opinions and paid some attention. They tell me this new plan can work — but I am not sure if they are saying this to placate me or if they believe it.

The key: no holds barred.  This is War. And I'm the War Preznit. 'Nuf said!

Here's how it's gonna work: the Iraqi puppet government will "appoint" one military commander and two deputies. Naturally, we'll tell them who. This is so we will have someone to blame when things go wrong.  

They will deploy what the Pentagon laughingly calls the Iraqi Army and National Police.  Even these forces are controlled by that crazy turban head Mukluk L. Sadist or whatever the hell his name is, but they will look kickass walking around with new weapons which we are selling to them on credit from our best factories, just like we did in El Salvador where we charged them a buck each for 10 cent bullets.  Once again, American ingenuity triumphs in the face of adversity.

So these guys are gonna fan out around Iraq's nine districts.  Now I don't know how many of these Iraqi cops and soldiers there really are, but that makes no difference. They are really there for show, although some of them are pretty good shots I hear.  There's 18 brigades of'em, too. That sounds like a lot, but a brigade is changeable. That means that there could be 10 men in a brigade, or a thousand, or more, or less. There are bucket brigades, f'rinstance — to put out fires. Yet, this is a tricky way to make you think there will be a lot of Iraqis in harm's way wearing uniforms supplied again by ingenious American corporations.

Get this: these brigades will operate out of local "police stations" — the ones that are still standing, I mean (heh-heh).  They'll do the usual: conducting patrols, setting up checkpoints, and going door-to-door in ethnic clea…. er, to gain the trust of Baghdad residents, kinda like UNICEF trick-or-treaters with guns.

Now, I gotta admit, this one makes me laugh: to succeed, our generals tell me that the Iraqis will need OUR help!  (Heh-heh-heh-heh.) Okay, I'll come clean — Cheney told me to put it this way so it seems like the United States will only be helping the Iraqis just like we have over the past several years.  After all, it was they that wanted us to come in and get rid of Saddam — in their heart of hearts, I mean.

This is a strong commitment — or as Hitler used to put it, a Big Lie.  But because that beeyotch Nancy Pelosi and that cracker senator from Vegas are putting the screws to me and my party, I will go along with it.  So, instead of being committed myself, I'm committing more than 20,000 American boys and girls to put their lives in danger and risk losing their arms and legs to help the Iraqis put down this sectarian violence — even all that infighting is really about money, like all conflicts.  

Most of our troops, some five brigades — so there must be 3,500 soldiers in American brigades, huh? — will be in Baghdad.  They will "work" next to Iraqi units and be "embedded" — like CNN — in their formations, perhaps even disguised as Arabs! (Note to self: discuss this with Peter Pace.)

Our boys and girls will have a definite mission — to wipe out entire neighborhoods of Al Qaeda and other terrorists — and their families of course, but by accident.  Then our people will help the Iraqis to provide security for Baghdad — what's left of it.

I have not mentioned the Air Force and Marines.  And I won't — but don't let that fool you.  They might help too.

Now, a lot of you yokels are going to ask why this plan will work and the others haven't.

To be honest, I have no idea. Remember, during my own alleged service to our country I was working on my Dad's friend's political campaign — or partying. It's all kind of a fog, so I'm not really too sure what the hell I was doing. But I do know this — for four years I have been stupid enough to protect that moron Don Rumsfeld.  He made our generals clear a neighborhood of terrorists and some children — and then leave!  How stupid could he be?  You can't leave, because then the terrorists come back — sort of like rats in the Bronx.  So — get this — this time we and the Iraqis will have my "green light" to actually enter neighborhoods and hold them — because we have enough people on the ground to do that.  Didn't General Shinseki — or whatever his name is — tell us that four years ago?

Here's the icing on the cake — Prime Minister Makaki himself has pledged, not promised but pledged, that political or sectarian interference will not be tolerated. Come to think of it, he didn't say anything about guns, bombs, and terrorists. (Note to self: check with Rove on this.)

The best part is that I told that idiot Maliki this was his last chance, he looked at me and said MY last chance! Why you… but then he stopped because he knew his ass was grass — that's a Texas sayin' — if he didn't do as told, as per usual.  I also threatened to make sure the Iraqi people hated him even more than they do now — and that we would hate him too and leave.  He got it — and told the Iraqi people — loosely "Hey the security plan Bush has made up — will not give safety to any outlaws — regardless of who they are Moqtada!"  Well, the Moqtada was parenthetical.

Now. My new strategy will not work right away, or maybe ever.  There will still be suicide bombings — which means lunatics killing themselves and a bunch of other people by blowing themselves up in a crowd. Who thought of that one?  

And, of course those IUDs will still kill our boys and girls driving to the airport, or maybe some Iraqis or Al Qaeda.  That way, we are ensuring that our TVs will be filled with death and suffering to entertain you.  Yet, over time — a long time, I hope — there will be fewer and fewer such incidents and, just like in the Wizard of Oz, the Iraqis will begin to love their leaders just as you love me, and the Iraqi government will have some breathing space — although many thousands of Iraqis will not be breathing ever again at this point.  Then the Sunni and the Shia, like the Munchkins, can live together in peace, just like Saddam forced them to for thirty years.

Make sense?

Well, sure it does!  The average Iraqi has to see that the government now has a strong military — like Saddam's — and that they can control the neighborhood.  So we are going to help the Iraqi government do what it has "announced" but not promised.

Whew!  I'm sweating already.

Of course we have to do more than just kill people.  We have to improve the neighborhoods as well.  So we are giving them even more money — your money.
But rest assured, it will go to Cheney's people at Halliburton and provide VERY dangerous jobs to Americans now out of work.

So, Iraq's government will take all the responsibility off my shoulders by November, which, coincidentally, is when the 2008 campaign season begins to heat up.  Everyone in Iraq is going to get a steak — I man a stake — in the economy, sharing the oil revenues — about a quarter of a penny for each gallon sold like they get in Saudi Arabia — thanks to my Dad and his company.  Believe me — this will add up to big bucks for future generations.

Iraq is going to spend 10 billion dollars of its own money on reconstruction.  Why they haven't spent this money before is beyond me — we got it from Saddam's Christmas Club.

I think they may have been distributing a little bit of it among themselves, huh? (Heh-heh-heh.)

To placate and control local leaders, Iraqis plan to hold surprise provincial elections later this year to allow more Iraqis — like Sunnis —  to re-enter their nation's political life, the government will reform de-Baathification laws and establish a fair process for considering amendments to Iraq's constitution — but why would you care?

We in America are also going to change our approach.  We're going to "embed" more "advisers" in Iraq. Can you spell CIA?  And we're going to arm the Iraqis to the teeth — for use later on against Iran.

We're also gonna double the number of reconstructions teams in the provinces — to four.

Condi Rice is going to appoint Bill Cosby or George Clooney to be the "reconstruction coordinator" in Baghdad to ensure better results.

As an aside, we will continue to chase the ghostlike Al Qaeda and foreign fighters — all two thousand of them.  Believe me — like weapons of mass destruction, Al Qaeda is now in Iraq with its home base in Anbar Province — somewhere you are not likely to visit — nor will the New York Times, so I can get away with saying this.

I have it on good authority — Bill Kristol — that Al Qaeda has helped make Anbar the most violent area of Iraq — outside of the entire country.  As a matter of fact, we just today serendipitously captured a secret — top secret — Al Qaeda document (actually a gum wrapper) which "describes" the terrorists' plan to infiltrate and seize control of the province.

This would bring Al Qaeda closer to its goals of — now repeat with me — Taking Down Iraq's Democracy®, Building a Radical Islamic Empire®, and Launching New Attacks On the United States At Home and Abroad®. No! No TDD®, no BRIE®, and especially no LNAOUSAHA®!

I won't tolerate TDD®, BRIE®, or LNAOUSAHA® here or anywhere — even on Mars.

Here's a secret: our boys and girls — some of them just 19 years old — are killing and capturing Al Qaeda leaders (preferably killing, 'cause dead Arabs tell no tales, if ya catch my meaning) and protecting local Iraqis who actually support them but pretend not to, like Hezbollah.

Now here's a good one: Recently, and just in time, I have heard that local tribal leaders have begun to show their willingness to take on Al Qaeda because we have offered them many American dollars, nylons, cigarettes, kickbacks, DVD players, and chocolate bars. And as a result, our commanders believe we have an opportunity to deal a serious blow to the terrorists and get rid of all nine of them.

So I have allowed Cheney to put another 4,000 boys and girls in Anbar Province to put their lives and limbs in jeopardy.  Again, they will "work" with Iraqi troops which have already infiltrated by insurgents — to take away one of thousands of Al Qaeda's so-called safe havens. Nothing wrong with starting somewhere, is there?

Most importantly, we will not allow them to reestablish a presence in Iraq. Somalia, maybe — but not Iraq.

Now the tough part — which I hope you will ignore because you can't understand it. We also have to deal with Iran and Syria — countries we don't like.  These two nations are letting terrorists and other bad guys use their territory to come in and out of Iraq.  Iran is giving these terrorists weapons. We — my friends — are going to "disrupt" the attacks on our forces. Now I didn't say THESE attacks. I said "the" attacks so it appears that we are going to battle Iran on the Iraq border, but the truth is it could happen anywhere from what I have told you — so remember that. What I plan to do is "interrupt" the flow of stuff from Iran and Syria — most likely by blowing up all the roads leading into Iraq and then crossing into those two countries and killing a bunch of people.  How dare they?

"Interrupt the flow," my Texas butt — we're gonna cream 'em! Bring 'em on!

There are some other steps I will take.  How about the Deployment of ANOTHER carrier strike group to the region!? Cool! Hey now it won't be just the 160,000 American boys and girls and the Air Force and the Marines that are now there — it will include another CSG. Betcha don't know what a CSG is!  Huh? Well, Cruiser-Destroyer and Carrier Groups are designated as Carrier Strike Groups (CSG) and aligned directly under the numbered, as opposed to un-numbered, fleet commanders. This realignment gives key operational leaders — that's ME (heh-heh) — authority and direct access to the people needed to more effectively accomplish the Navy's mission.

These used to be called formerly Carrier Group (CARGRU) and Cruiser-Destroyer Group (CRUDESGRU) and were run by TYCOMs.

Then they start calling the carrier strike group (CVSG) — when they called it CSG before — and that confuses me.

But to put it down to basics — this group will have a huge 180 billion dollar carrier with hundreds of jet planes and three or four Aegis ships, Hawkeye aircraft and A CEC, whatever that is.  Then we might have the CVSG the CEC join up with SAGs and ESGs to become an ESF!  This is big time and very exciting — an "expeditionary strike force," or ESF But again remember there is really no real definition of a strike group — so I could be pulling your leg.  But I will give you what I am thinking of:

— a carrier
— two guided missile cruisers – multi-mission surface combatants. Equipped with Tomahawks for long-range strike capability
— a guided missile destroyer – multi-mission surface combatant, used primarily for anti-air warfare (AAW)
— a destroyer – primarily for anti-submarine warfare (ASW)
— a frigate – primarily for anti-submarine warfare (ASW)
— two attack submarines – in a direct support role seeking out and destroying hostile surface ships and submarines
— a combined ammunition, oilier, and supply ship – provides logistic support enabling the Navy's forward presence: on station, ready to respond

Lucky number seven, I always say.  On these ships will be another twenty thousand boys and girls — and some men running things. Now how's that for scaring the pants off those Iraqis, Iranians, and Syrians?

Don't even ask what it will cost.

I am also ordering Patriot defense systems to make sure our friends — the Saudis, Kuwaitis and a few other Kingdoms — will feel safe.  More on this later. We will also most likely protect the Turkish border — and hopefully get some good deals on rugs and also convince other countries to go after Iran or at least stop it from gaining nukes.

Now, because I promised this to Condi at her last piano recital, we will use FULL diplomatic resources to get support for Iraq from other nations in the Middle East. In short, we will, as always, bribe them with aid packages and then not deliver.

I have already bribed the Saudis, Egypt, Jordan and most of the Gulf States.  After all, their chips on the oil table as well.  But Condi will take care of the rest.

Here is how stupid I really am: I trusted Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, that idiot running the World Bank.  But I see clearly, thanks to Laura and my mother, that this entire quagmire is really an ideological struggle — the decisive one of "our time."  On one side — there is US — we believe in freedom, moderation, and fashion sense.  On the other side are extremists — they do not believe in freedom, moderation or fashion, and they kill (unlike us, heh-heh) innocents and have declared an intent to "end our way of life" — well at least one of them did.  So my trick is to offer them something better — something more than nylons, cigarettes and chocolates.  

I, and you are the first to hear this — am going to offer them Liberty Across a Troubled Region® (LATR)! Repeat after me:  LATR! LATR! Much LATR!

Look, it's all very simple, even for you plebians to understand.  You see all those cars on the road — most of you have two or three or more of them at your houses. They use gasoline. Gasoline is made from oil. We already used up most of ours here in the USA, so we have to get it somewhere — and forget the Russians! Look what they're doing in Old Europe. So the only choice is The Middle East® — TME! TME! TME! Repeat that! Otherwise, all those car payments you make at 14% interest down the tubes — well, you can't run your cars on prayers, no matter how much you pray at the Dominionist Megachurch of your choice!

So — your brave sons and daughters are risking their lives so you can drive your Cadillacs —  I mean Mercedes Benzes.  There you have it.  In essence, our boys and girls are risking their butts for oil, but we have to pretend — get it, pretend — that they are helping to claim Freedom and to raise — I mean rise — up just and hopeful societies across the Middle East.

It sounds good, doesn't it?  So go with it. And stop your whining and supporting those Democrat wusses who tell you different.

Hey. Million of regular Arabs are sick of the violence — at least I think they are.  So they look to Iraq.  They all want to know: Will Americans leave and give the country to extremists?  Already we're going to have to give it up to Islamic religious fundamentalists — but extremists?  No way, José — or should I be saying, "Not so far, Akbar"?

Will we stand up for our oil and, parenthetically, their freedom.  You bet we will.

Let me be clearer.  Terrorist and insurgents — just as our founding fathers were — are without conscience and they will make the year(s) ahead bloody and violent, just as we did against the British and then later in our own Civil War, our internal struggle against Blacks, and now Mexicans.  And don't forget the Japanese we interred during the Big War!

So — there is nothing new here — nothing to be freaked out about.  Just go with the flow, man — go with the flow.

So here's the way it is.  Even if this stupid strategy works we can expect a bunch of coffins to arrive at incoming air forces bases — secretly, mind you, because I don't like them filmed to get you all worked up.  Our veterans' hospitals will continue to run scarlet with the blood of the wounded, maimed and crippled.  But will this bring me — I mean us — closer to success! You bet it will!  I  believe that it will! And I believe in fairies, too, and sparkly ponies! But I digress!

Victory, mind you, won't look like victory in WWI and WWII.  There will be no surrender on the deck of some battleship or on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln, which means I can't dress up as Wing Commander Codpiece and whip out the "Mission Accomplished" banner. That sucks. Victory in Iraq will cause new problems — fun problems we can also help to fix up thanks to Halliburton, Kellogg, Brown & Root, Blackwater, and General Electric.  You see, if Iraq works, then all those slavish heathens in Saudi Arabia and all the Gulf States run by camel jockey kings will rise up and get rid of 'em, kill 'em and then give us all their oil at cheap prices in gratitude. Won't that be wonderful?  Well — won't it?  We can rid the world of all these phony Islamist royals and get back to business.

Now let me take a minute to put much of the blame on those unpatriotic Democrats so they will have a hard time if they piss me off.  My new plan comes after consultation with them. Remember that — they know what I am going to do.  They might not agree with it — but at least this time, I told them.  Some of these wimp Democrats think we should just let the Iraqis fight each other and simply protect their borders so they can kill each off in peace.  They think we should hunt down the real Al Qaeda instead of hunting down ALL terrorists, would-be terrorists, kids with bad attitudes who might become terrorists, and the cousins of terrorists who may carry the terrorist gene.

The Democrat solution, therefore, is a gay, tree-hugging, diversity-coddling, un-Christian solution.  Scale back and withdraw our troops — yeah, right!  I thought about that — for about five seconds.  Then my crew and I realized that if we did anything like that, we might as well resign — for we would be admitting that we, in essence, murdered our own soldiers — all those kids — along with a couple hundred thousand Iraqis, all because I simply wanted to pay back that sumvabitch Saddam for allegedly plotting the assassination of my Dad… and to get us some cheap oil.

So we couldn't do that.

We knew full well that if we left now, the nation of Iraq would turn from what it is now —  a potential Garden of Eden — to a nation torn apart and result in mass killings on an unimaginable scale, much as it is now. Now, wouldn't that be just plain stupid?  

And not only that — but our troops would have to stay in Iraq longer than the ten years I am planning and face an enemy even more lethal.  So this makes sense:
— bring in more troops
— kill more Arabs
— make more Arabs hate us
— and break the cycle of violence by doing so!  

Sensible or nonsensical, it makes sense.

In the days ahead, I'll be consulting with my national security team — made up of the White House Chef, Oliver North, Condi Rice, Jerry Falwell, Barney the Cocker Spaniel, and, of course, Jack Daniel's.  If one of them thinks we can improve — we will.  If things change — we will adjust.  

Even Democrats can be considered — at least for word-of-mouth public consumption — as honorable, and they will voice their criticisms.  This way, they can suggest ideas — and be ignored, of course (heh-heh).

Now let me play the Jewish former Democrat card. Joe Lieberman is a key member of Congress (for me) because I can count on him to go against his "former" party. Maybe he will even change parties and give me back the Senate.  You know he too gave me some good advice, and so based on that counsel we are gonna get some whacky bi-partisan working group that will meet once in a blue moon when I feel like it — and bullshit over bagels and lox.

A great way to start would be to work together to increase the size of our armed forces. Face it — how else can we control the world and bring Democracy to everyone?  We also need to plant American civilians abroad — we can do this by driving unsympathetic journalists to foreign countries for fear we will marginalize or even kill them — or we can open more American companies in Syria and Iran, plant CIA operatives there, and have the whole shebang run by Ollie North, or Elliot Abrams, or John Poindexter, or that guy with the radio show, G. Gordon Liddy. These civilians can help us rebuild the places we destroy — using, of course, American companies and good old American know-how, chauvinism and graft!

Look, in all seriousness — "we" mourn the loss of every fallen American, including the ones falling in the hallways at VA hospitals getting used to their prosthetic legs or arms.  We owe it to them to build a future worthy of their unintended sacrifice.  What good that will do them? Well, that's beyond me — but at least they can get a pension and some cheap stuff at the PX.

My fellow citizens — and I mean that — the year ahead (and you will notice I say "year" to make you think that's all it will take: one year, not a dozen) will require the patience of a Saint — or someone deranged with Alzheimer's, like Al Haig of Charlton Heston.  We will all have to make sacrifices — like doubling the income tax on the poor and middle class.  We will all have to maintain our resolve — including me, to not resign, 'cause then I'd have to spend half my time playing golf with my dad and Bill Clinton.  

Yet this next ONE year will test us and reveal the character of the nation — and no jokes here — I am not a character, as Jeff Koopersmith would say, out of a cartoon magazine.

American has always defied the pessimists (read: Democrats) and seen our faith in freedom redeemed by an ever mounting number of closed circuit television cameras, tapped telephone lines, confiscated business and banking records, and threats against journalists, as well as huge increases in police forces in every city in America.  

We are engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century of Gunboat Imperialism.

We can and will prevail.

We, and by "we" I mean "I," go forward with trust that the Author of Liberty will guide us through these trying hours.  

And by the way — the Author of Liberty was not Che Guevara or Alvaro Vargas Llosa, the ultra right wing writer that I respect — the guy who wrote Che's  nasty but realistic biography, which is the first thing that came up on Google when I checked to find out just who the Author of Liberty was — I mean is.  

You know who.

So let's get cracking! Good night.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.