Sept. 12, 1999 -- NEW YORK (APJP) -- Here's an instant interpretation of Matt Drudge's latest Internet "buffalo patty" as first heard on the Fox News Channel--a whore network for ultra-right neo-fascist Rupert Murdoch.

Drudge likes hanging around with his own kind--prevaricators, liars, twisters of truth--so it's no surprise that he appears on the Fox News Channel (whose ratings are terrible) and is the walking epicenter of the New America Bullshit.

We predict that someday--sooner than he can imagine--he'll be walking Hollywood Boulevard, and we don't mean "looking for a scoop."

Our comments are in CAPITALS below this ludicrous-as-usual encounter with Drudge.

XXXXX DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1999 19:00:00 ET XXXXX

FOX NEWS CHANNEL - THE DRUDGE REPORT

MATT DRUDGE, HOST: Is a new government whistle blower about to turn the Waco investigation upside down, tonight on DRUDGE.

MATT DRUDGE, THE LATEST MORON TO BE SERVED UP BY IDIOT TELEVISION PRODUCERS, IS ABOUT TO TURN HIMSELF INSIDE OUT AS HE PREYS ON ONE ENEMY YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE: THE FBI.

ANNOUNCER (voice-over): He's the mod muckraker, the Internet informer, citizen journalist, and everyone's dying to know what he'll say next. You know his name. Now here he is, DRUDGE.

DRATT MUDGE (mocking the announcer): HE'S A YELLOW JOURNALIST, A RACIST, AN INTERNET FRAUD, A "CITIZEN" WHORE FOR THE RIGHT WING, AND NO ONE WITH A BRAIN GIVES A DAMN WHAT HE SAYS. YOU KNOW HIS REAL NAME. SATAN.

Matt Drudge back on the air live tonight from the Diamond District somewhere here in midtown Manhattan. They've got me in the basement pinned to this seat for the next hour, and I hope you join with me.

MATT DRUDGE LIVE FROM THE DIAMOND DISTRICT WHERE I'M MAKING FUN OF ORTHODOX JEWS TO THEIR FACES--ALTHOUGH I AM ONE. WHY DO YOU THINK I WEAR THIS FERSHTUNKANAH HAT ALL THE TIME? TO COVER MY UGLY FACE?

We've got a full show. But first, Waco. I have learned that a former government official has now told investigators that members of that secret Army unit, Delta Force, said they participated in a shoot out -- you heard that right -- a shoot out during the final assault on the Branch Davidian compound some 6-1/2 years ago.

[RIGHT. AS IF ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD TELL THIS IDIOT ANYTHING THAT WAS THE TRUTH. REMEMBER "BILL CLINTON'S LOVE CHILD?" THE MAIN GAME TO PLAY WITH DRUDGE IS TO TELL HIM LIES AND SEE IF HE "REPORTS" THEM. IT'S A RIOT.]

I have learned that the former CIA agent, who claims knowledge of this Delta Force exchange, has been promised protection by a Senate committee if his bona fides check out.

[BONA FIDES? DOES HE EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD? I DOUBT IT. HE'S A FORMER CIA AGENT, RIGHT. SO HOW COULD HIS "BONA FIDES" CHECK OUT MORON?  HE'S A SPY. THEY HAVE NO BONA FIDES. AND WHO ON ANY SENATE COMMITTEE WOULD EVEN TAKE A CALL FROM YOU? DRUDGE, PLEASE TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN FANATSYLAND--BEFORE YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME ARE UP.]

Who is this man? This is the mystery that is shaking Washington. His name is CIA agent, Gene Cullen (ph). He is no longer with the agency. He was one of their top spooks, and he is now ratting out the feds, and we will tell his story here tonight.

[SPOOK? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? FROM A DIME NOVEL, I SUPPOSE. OR ARE YOU TRYING TO EMULATE A REAL JOURNALIST LIKE DAVID CORN? OR MAYBE YOU MEAN THAT OTHER, RACIST DEFINITION OF "SPOOK."  WOULDN'T SURPRISE US ONE BIT--ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S ON THE FOX NEWS CHANNEL, HOME OF STEALTH BIGOTRY!]

And here to help me tell it, former FBI agent, Gary Aldrich, author of "Unlimited Access," which I cracked the other night, Gary. And boy, was that a prophetic book.

[GOOD MOVE DRUDGE--INVOKING THE NAME OF GARY ALDRICH, A TRAITOR AND ANOTHER PROVEN LIAR. A GREAT TEAM--GARY DRUDGE. I IMAGINE THAT ALDRICH IS YOUR "SOURCE" ON MOST THINGS--WHICH IS TANTAMOUNT TO ASKING TOKYO ROSE TO GIVE YOU THE INSIDE "SCOOP" ON HIROHITO.]

GARY ALDRICH, "UNLIMITED ACCESS" AUTHOR: Thank you, Matt. How are you?

THANK YOU MATT. ARE YOU FOR REAL?

DRUDGE: Good evening. What do you make of another whistle blower, another agent, at the time when you wrote "Unlimited Access." You were fresh from the agency. You were whistle blowing. You were saying, "There's something rotten going on inside the White House, and damn it, I'm going to tell the taxpayer about it."

["GOOD EVENING?" DRUDGE SOUNDED LIKE AN UNEDUCATED QUEEN WHO--NO MATTER HOW MUCH MAKEUP HE USES--STILL WOULD LOOK LOUSY IN A SEQUIN DRESS AND GOLD LAME STILETTOS!]

Apparently now there's a former CIA agent who's doing the same thing, who is coming forward and telling secrets that aren't supposed to be told.

[YES, MATT. AND ISN'T THAT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF? YOUR COUNTRY TRUSTS YOU--AND YOU TURN ON IT. THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY, ISN'T IT, YOU PUNK?]

ALDRICH: Right.

RIGHT [AS HE THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IS THIS GUY OUT OF HIS MIND?"]

DRUDGE: What advice do you have, let's say, if he's watching this broadcast tonight?

WHAT ADViCE DO YOU HAVE FROM ONE AMERICAN TRAITOR AND LIAR TO ANOTHER?

ALDRICH: Well, to pull out the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and he'll find that he has the right to come forward and speak out. And the Supreme Court just held in the case of the Secret Service agents unanimously that the Secret Service agents not only have a right but a duty, an obligation to speak out. And so...

[HAHAHAHA. ALDRICH IS SUDDENLY A "CONSTITUTIONAL AUTHORITY," JUST LIKE THE BULIMIC-LOOKING ANN COULTER, BLOND FASCIST PUNDETTE FROM HELL. IT'S AMAZING HOW THESE CLOWNS FALL BACK ON "THE LAW" EVEN AS THEY WORK TO UNDERMINE IT.]

But the federal government agencies like to have you sign agreements that pledge that you should never say anything about what you see...

[GEE. HOW INSIGHTFUL. YES, YOU WERE A SPY--YOU CRETIN.]

DRUDGE: That's right.

DUH, THAT RIGHT GARY. I WANT YOU GARY. GOD, DO I WANT YOU! I LOVE A KILLER IN A SUIT. BY THE WAY--DIDN'T YOU WORK UNDER GEORGE "PARDON ME" BUSH?

ALDRICH: ... while you're with the agency. And they put this national security blanket over it to make it seem like everything you might know or might have seen somehow relates to national security.

[GOOD GRIEF. YOU WERE A SPY, YOU IDIOT! I'D SAY THAT THAT COMES UNDER THE GENERAL AREA OF NATIONAL SECURITY--OR WERE YOU MERELY CLEANING THE TOILETS AT QUANTICO?]

And, Matt, I think it's flat wrong for them to do this. I think we should...

AND MATT, I THINK THINK WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL EVERYONE EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT--AN INSIDE LOOK AT THE FBI AND THEIR INVESTIGATIONS, HOSTED BY MATT DRUDGE!

DRUDGE: Did they do that to you? Did they do it to you?

DID THEY "DO" THAT TO YOU? [DO WHAT, YOU IDIOT!] WILL YOU "DO" IT TO ME (pleasepleaseplease...)?

ALDRICH: Oh, yes. All FBI agents sign numerous documents which reinforce the concept that you should never speak about anything that you saw at the workplace.

[WOW! THAT IS JUST SO REVEALING. DO YOU MEAN THAT THE FBI MAKES AGENTS AND OTHER EMPLOYEES SIGN AGREEMENTS THAT THEY WON'T TALK TO SLOBS LIKE MATT DRUDGE? THIS IS AMAZING! I THOUGHT G-MEN WERE PERMITTED TO HAVE THEIR OWN TV SHOWS AND TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT EVERYTHING THEY ARE WORKING ON. HOLY COW! WHAT AN EYE OPENER!]

And, of course, when you see abuse, when you see corruption, you must speak out. It's your obligation.

YES. IT IS YOU OBLIGATION TO TELL LOUIS FREEH, OR WHOEVER THE DIRECTOR IS AS THE TIME. AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU SHOULD GO TO JANET RENO OR WHOEVER THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS. AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU SHOULD GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE. AND IF THAT DOES NOT WORK, YOU TALK TO WALTER CRONKITE AND ASK HIS ADVICE ON THE BEST WAY TO BE A WHISTLE BLOWER WITHOUT MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A MONEY-GRUBBING RAT FINK ASSHOLE.]

DRUDGE: This gentleman, Gene Cullen, who gave an interview to the "Dallas Morning News" and talked about the Delta Force being there. He didn't go all the way. He didn't tell them what he has told Mike McNulty, the filmmaker, and what he is going to tell Senate investigators that they said they were in a shoot out. That again is a military shoot out at the Branch Davidian compound.

[SURE, MATT--ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOOK AT THE VIDEO AND FILM AVAILABLE TO ANYONE AND TELEVISED OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO SEE THERE WAS GUNFIRE BETWEEN THE TWO SIDES AT WACO. "COMPOUND?" IS THIS AN OVERUSED WORD OR WHAT. IT WASN'T A COMPOUND. IT WAS A FILTHY DESERT LEAN-TO, A FIRETRAP, A VERMIN-INFESTED HELL HOLE WITH KIDS--SOME OF WHOM WERE KORESH'S LOVE SLAVES--LIVING IN IT. COMPOUND--LIKE IN KENNEDY, LIKE IN HYANNIS?
HERE DRUDGE ALSO ADMITS THAT HE STOLE YET ANOTHER STORY FROM YET ANOTHER NEWSPAPER WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WORK TO GET THEIR OWN STORIES, NOT STEAL THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FROM THE INTERNET AS DRUDGE DOES. HE EVEN STOLE THE LEWINSKY "EXCLUSIVE" FROM ISIKOFF AND NEWSWEEK WHEN THEY PUT IT UP--AND THEN DECIDED TO TAKE IT DOWN!]

Now this gentleman was visited a week ago by the feds saying, "Listen, you've signed the CIA documents." They politely reminded him, "You are not to talk about this. You are -- You may be prosecuted." Is all this familiar to you, 'cause I remember, you and your partner, Scull Embrini (ph), you were also visited and also told, "Better knock it off."

[AND JUST WHERE DID HE GET THIS TIDBIT OF INFORMATION? HE AND FOX NEWS CHANNEL CAN'T EVEN SPELL THE NAMES BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE EVEN THE MOST RUDIMENTARY HOMEWORK ON THIS SO-CALLED "STORY." NOTICE THIS TRANSCRIPT--PUBLISHED ON DRUDGE'S OWN WEBSITE--USES PHONETIC SPELLINGS. AND HE EXPECTS YOU TO BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS! WE BET YOU'RE LAUGHING AS HARD AS WE ARE. OF COURSE THE CIA CAN INDICT HIM.  WHY, DRUDGE? BECAUSE HE IS BREAKING THE LAW. HE IS SWORN TO SECRECY UNDER THE LAW UNTIL SUCH TIME AS HE CAN CONVINCE HIS BOSSES, CONGRESS OR HIS PRESIDENT THAT THE TRUTH SHOULD COME OUT.]

ALDRICH: Well, it is familiar, and I think that's part of the problem we have back here in Washington now. And that is that the agencies are too skillful, they're too expert at shutting up folks who have important information that they need to bring out.

[NO, ALDRICH. "PART OF THE PROBLEM" IS LOOSE CANNONS, INDIVIDUALS WHO PUT THEIR PERSONAL AGENDA AHEAD OF THEIR NATION'S SECURITY, AND NUTCASES LIKE YOU WHO SEEK TO ENRICH THEMSELVES BY WRITING "TELL-ALL" BOOKS THAT CANNOT BE VETTED AND CANNOT BE PROVED OR DISPROVED BY THE AVERAGE JANE AND JOE. ADD TO THIS LUNATICS LIKE DRUDGE--AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE? TWO LUNATICS BRAINWASHING THE 18% OF AMERICANS WHO ARE SIMILARLY MENTALLY UNBALANCED OR JUST PLAIN TOO GULLIBLE NOT TO BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE--AGAIN, TO ENRICH YOURSELVES BY CONVINCING THEM TO ACTUALLY WATCH YOU ON TELEVISION RATHER THAN THE TELETUBBIES!]

And in this case, which seems to be shaping up to be one of the biggest mysteries of all time, we now have the Department of Justice apparently having knowledge of these devices being shot at the compound for years. And yet they want to talk about Louis Freeh as if he's done something wrong here.

[ALDRICH SHOULD BECOME A COMEDIAN! ONE OF THE "BIGGEST MYSTERIES OF ALL TIME," HUH? I THINK THE "BIGGEST MYSTERY OF ALL TIME" IS HOW YOU CONNED YOUR WAY INTO A LOW-PAYiNG SPOT ON TV AND RADIO. WHY, YOU SHOULD PAY THE NETWORKS TO ALLOW YOU TO APPEAR!]

I point my fingers at the Department of Justice and Janet Reno, in this case.

[OH, MY GOODNESS! WHAT A SURPRISE! ANOTHER NEOFASCIST OPERATIVE WHO WANTS TO LYNCH THE ONLY WOMAN IN DC WITH PRINCIPLES.]

DRUDGE: All I would suggest, though, Gary Aldrich, is if he is being visited by FBI men within the past week because he is now a whistle blower, who is ordering these guys out to try to intimidate him if he's got a story to tell?

[YEAH, SURE--BIG STORY MATT. WHO IS ORDERING HIM? DON'T THINK ANYONE HAS TO ORDER ANYONE IN THIS CASE, MORON. HOW ABOUT SOME REAL FBI OR CIA AGENT GOING TO HIM AND SAYING, "LOOK, GENE"--ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW THIS GUY'S NAME OR EVEN IF HE EXISTS--"IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR US NOT BE BE INVOLVED IN THIS UNTIL HEARINGS BEGIN AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT."]

ALDRICH: I would suggest the Department of Justice.

[ALDRICH IS REALLY BRIGHT, ISN'T HE! HE "SUGGESTS" THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE. IS THAT SOMEHOW DIFFERENT THAN JANET RENO--WHO, WE REMIND GARY, RUNS THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE? YOU'VE GOTTA LAUGH--TWO MORONS CONVERSING. BUT IT GETS FUNNIER! READ ON...]

DRUDGE: You would?

[YOU WOULD? DRUDGE'S LAME EXCUSE FOR A NEWS CHAT SHOW NEEDS A LAUGH TRACK! YOU WOULD? HE DID. ABOUT THREE TIMES ALREADY. DRUDGE DOESN'T KNOW THAT THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ACCUSING RENO OR THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE--IN TRUTH THEY ARE SAME THING.]

ALDRICH: Yes, I would.

[CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?]

DRUDGE: Well, just briefly again, what does this guy have in store for him if he goes down this road, if he becomes a key witness, if his testimony that Delta Force, who said they were there shooting and it leads to a whole can of worms, what's going to happen to this Cullen, in your experience? Will he be smeared? Will he be blacklisted? Will the White House target him? What's your prediction?

[IF, IF, IF, IF.  WILL HE, WILL HE, WILL HE, WILL HE.  HERE'S DRUDGE PLANTING ANOTHER LIE. NOTICE HE DOESN'T SAY THAT THIS GUY--NO MATTER WHO OR WHAT HE SAYS--IS PROTECTED BY THE SAME LAWS THAT ALLOW DRUDGE TO LIE OR FANTASIZE ABOUT THE TRUTH. NOTICE AS WELL THAT DRUDGE DOESN'T SAY, "WILL BE CONGRATULATED BY THE WHITE HOUSE? WILL HE MAKE A MILLION BUCKS WRITING A TELL ALL BOOK? WILL HE LIVE A LIFE OF LUXURY IN PALM BEACH?" OF COURSE HE DOES NOT--HE WANTS YOU TO THINK THAT PEOPLE IN THE WHITE HOUSE ARE CONSPIRING TO KILL HIM.]

ALDRICH: Well, I think he's in for some rough sledding, frankly, because the pattern back here in Washington is to try to smear whistle blowers, is to try to find something in their background and perhaps leak it.

[NOTICE THAT EVEN ALDRICH BACKS AWAY FROM DRUDGE HERE. HE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING TO HIMSELF, "CRIKEY, THIS GUY REALLY IS A WACKO! HMMM... I'LL JUST SAY HE'S IN FOR 'ROUGH SLEDDING,' WHATEVER THAN MEANS." OF COURSE HE'S IN FOR SOME TOUGH DAYS! HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT THE GUY MIGHT BE AS OVERZEALOUS AS NOTRA "FREEPER" TRULOCK, OR THE GUY MIGHT BE LYING?

DRUDGE, NATURALLY, TREATS EVERYTHING AS STRAIGHT TRUTH--AS LONG AS IT ATTACKS ANYTHING OR ANYONE INVOLVED WITH BILL CLINTON. WHAT A "JOURNALIST!" OF COURSE, MATT DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ETHICS--SINCE HE HIMSELF CLAIMS TO ANYONE STUPID ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO HIM THAT HE IS "NOT" A JOURNALIST. GOOD TRICK, ISN'T IT?]

I hope this doesn't happen in his case. Maybe we'll have a change in the way things are done around here. I doubt it, but maybe we should.

[HOPE WHAT DOESN'T HAPPEN? THUS FAR, ALL THESE TWO BOZOS HAVE TALKED ABOUT IS NOTHING. MAKE NO MISTAKE--THIS COUNTRY IS REALLY IN A MESS.]

The CIA director will have a lot to do with what happens to this man. If there's information within the agency that somehow is released, then I think we'll see what's going to -- we'll see the same pattern emerge with him as has emerged in other cases here, which is a smearing, which is an attempt to undermine his credibility.

[WOW! WHAT A REVELATION. THE CIA DIRECTOR WILL HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH IT--SUCH AN INSIGHTFUL REMARK!

WELL, OF COURSE! WE DIDN'T NEED YOU TO TELL US THAT. ANYONE WHO WATCHES THE X FILES KNOWS THAT! OH, BY THE WAY, DON'T MENTION THAT ANY WHISTLE-BLOWER'S CREDIBILITY MUST BE CHECKED AND RECHECKED. WHAT IF HE WERE LYING? WHAT IF HE WAS INSANE? WHAT IF HE WAS A CHINESE SPY? WHAT IF HE WAS LOOKING FOR A BOOK DEAL? DO YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE BLOWS THE WHISTLE THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS TELLING THE TRUTH? HAHAHAHA... YOU TWO ARE A JOKE!!]

DRUDGE: That's what they'll do. They'll go right for the credibility and then make him a laughing stock...

[GOOD, DRUDGE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL DO, ALL RIGHT. AND YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT THE DIRECTOR WILL DO, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TEA WITH HIM EVERY AFTERNOON AT THE UNIVERSITY CLUB AND CHAT ABOUT WHAT HE SHOULD DO NEXT, DON'T YOU? THE ONLY LAUGHING STOCK HERE IS YOU, MATT.  BY THE WAY, MATT, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT STORY OF YOURS ABOUT SID BLUMENTHAL BEATING HIS WIFE?  DIDN'T YOU GET SUED OVER THAT LIBEL? YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF: "That's what they'll do. They'll go right for MY credibility and then make ME a laughing stock--AND WITH GOOD REASON!"]

ALDRICH: Yes.

[OH, AND ALDRICH KNOWS WHAT'S ON THE DIRECTOR'S MIND AS WELL. HE HAS AN INSIDE TRACK AT THE CIA AND THE FBI. WHY, HE PROBABLY EVEN TAPS THE PBX AT BOTH AGENCIES AND HAS HUNDREDS OF MOLES FEEDING HIM AND DRUDGE DETAILS OF EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON AT THE AGENCY AND THE BUREAU. IN YOUR DREAMS, GARY!]

DRUDGE: ... as they've tried to make you. And unfortunately, you had it in print, and we read it, and it became a hit, and they can't take that back. Stay right there, Gary Aldrich.

[THAT'S RIGHT DRUDGE. THEY NOT ONLY TRIED TO MAKE HIM A FOOL, THEY SUCCEEDED--BECAUSE HE IS A FOOL!  DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT BECAUSE A BOOK IS A "HIT" THAT THE GUY WHO WROTE IT MUST BE TELLING THE TRUTH OR IS, FOR THAT MATTER, IN ANY WAY RESPECTED? YOU ADOLESCENT PRIG. ALDRICH, IN MY OPINION, GOT MOST OF HIS BOOK FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE--YOUR BIRTHPLACE.]

We're going to continue here. And I would ask him what it does feel like to have basically his entire book vindicated through the developments of recent months.

[OH, YEAH, "TOTALLY VINDICATED."  MOST OF HIS BOOK REMAINS FANTASY. JULES VERNE'S "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA" HAS ALSO BEEN VINDICATED, MATT GIRL--WE NOW REALLY HAVE SUBMARINES!]

<17:09>

[NOTE THAT MATT AND GARY HAVE EXCEEDED THEIR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME BY TWO MINUTES AND NINE SECONDS ALREADY!]

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

DRUDGE: Matt Drudge back on FOX NEWS continuing now with Gary Aldrich, the former FBI agent who has reacted to news that a CIA informant has come forward in the Waco situation who has been promised protection by a Senate committee if his bona fides check out, a CIA -- former CIA agent who claims knowledge of Delta Force shootings at Waco.

[FOX "NEWS." LIKE "HITLER'S NEWS" OR "SLOBODAN'S NEWS." REAL FACTUAL. NOTICE HOW HE BRINGS UP THE "BONA FIDES" AGAIN? THIS IS THE PROTECTION LINE--SO DRUDGE CAN CLAIM THAT IF IT'S REVEALED THAT THE GUY IS A HOAX, DRUDGE HAD ALWAYS SAID "ONLY IF HE CHECKS OUT." JUST THE WAY THE BLUMENTHAL STORY DID.]

Gary Aldrich, do you have faith in Danforth's investigation that is about to be launched here? This gentleman, Danforth, former senator, is to try that was a gentleman named Ginsberg. He was Monica Lewinsky's lawyer, a true ham if I've ever seen one.

[WHAT A LAUGH! WHO EVEN CARES WHAT ALDRICH THINKS ABOUT DANFORTH? DANFORTH IS A GUY WHO PRAYED IN A TOILET WITH ASSOCIATE JUSTICE CLARENCE "SLAPPY" THOMAS BEFORE THE SENATE HEARINGS--AND BEFORE THE JUDGE RENOWNED FOR HIS EXPERTISE ON THE FILMS OF "LONG DONG SILVER" DECIDED TO PULL A "JOHNNY COCHRAN" AND CLAIM THAT ALL THE SENATORS ON THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE WERE TRYING TO LYNCH HIM. YOU HAVE TO LAUGH--DEMOCRATS TRYING TO LUNCH A BLACK MAN.]

The question is: Should Danforth be out there investigating? I mean, the dead children in Waco don't want "Face the Nation." They want justice and truth. Why is the media taking more of a priority than the investigation at this point?

[YEAH. DRUDGE ALSO KNOWS WHAT THOSE "POOR KIDS AT WACO" WANT--HE IS A MEDIUM AS WELL. HE HAS TALKED TO KIDS WITH HELP FROM  HILLARY CLINTON'S SPIRIT GUIDE AND HE KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. THEY ARE DEAD. THEY CANNOT SPEAK. AND IF THEY COULD, THEY WOULDN'T WANT JUSTICE--THEY'D WANT TO BE ALIVE, YOU PATHETIC 9TH GRADE ADOLESCENT FRAUD!]

ALDRICH: I have no idea, and I do take issue with Senator Danforth's description of his mission simply because I think there's a lot more to this story than simply what happened at the complex.

[WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ANOTHER CONSPIRACY? THERE DIDN'T NEED TO BE ONE. QUITE FRANKLY, THOSE FBI AGENTS WENT NUTS--THEY HAD BEEN OUT IN WACO DEALING WITH THE LYING, CRAZY, CHILD-RAPING "JIM JONES OF OKLAHOMA" FOR MONTHS. THEY WERE TIRED--A FEW OF THEM HAD BEEN KILLED BY DAVIDIANS INSIDE THE COMPOUND-- AND THEY DID KILL THOSE PEOPLE, EVEN IF THEY WEREN'T THE ONES WHO SHOT EACH OF THOSE KIDS IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. ALL THE FBI HAD TO DO WAS WAIT--BUT NO. THEY COULDN'T. THEY WANTED TO GET HOME TO THEIR OWN FAMILIES AND KIDS. THEY WERE SCARED THAT KORESH WAS GOING TO TAKE A FEW MORE OF THEM "OUT." THEY GOT TIRED. THEY GOT STUPID. AND SO THEY WENT IN. THIS WAS A TRAGEDY, AND SOMEONE SHOULD HANG FOR IT--BUT THERE WAS NO CONSPIRACY, YOU TWO IDIOTS. THERE WAS JUST JUSTICE AS USUAL. THE DAVIDIANS WERE NOT RICH--SO THEY DIDN'T GET ANY. COULD YOU IMAGINE THE FBI STORMING THE HOME OF THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF AT&T BECAUSE HE WAS HOLED UP WITH HIS FAMILY  AND MENTALLY ILL--EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER THREATENED HIS FAMILY OF HIS KIDS? NO WAY. NEVER. THAT IS THE CRIME HERE--NOT WHO SHOT WHO OR WHO APPROVED WHAT WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS.

AND BY THE WAY--IF BILL CLINTON DIDN'T APPOINT JANET RENO, THIS LATEST ROUND OF "LET'S CLAIM A CONSPIRACY" WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED.]

I think the important question that we have here to answer is: Who ordered this assault to begin? Who insisted that this standoff be brought to a close? I think if you get the answers to those questions, you'll have solves this riddle, and you'll find that it was the White House pushing the Department of Justice to get this matter closed.

[THE AGENT IN CHARGE ORDERED THE ASSAULT, YOU MORONS. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD THE TAPES? OR DID YOU BOTHER? HECK, IF DAN BURTON CAN OVERLOOK EVIDENCE HE HAD FOR YEARS SHOWING TEAR GAS CANISTERS IN THE CHARRED REMAINS OF THE FIRETRAP COMPOUND, YOU CAN OVERLOOK FACTS THAT ARE ON THE RECORD, TOO!

HERE'S A CLUE: TRY JEFF JAMAR. HE'S A LIKELY TARGET FOR INVESTIGATION.]

DRUDGE: Well, there's going to be a lot of action whether if the president signed a waiver or not. I know Joe Lockhart's on the record now saying he did not and he was never asked to, but there is a witness that has come forward saying at the time, the press office said the waiver is on the president's desk. So at this point...

[LISTEN TO HIM. "SIGNED A WAIVER?" WHAT WAIVER? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US THAT EVERY TIME AN FBI CADRE DECIDES TO STORM A HOUSE THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS TO SIT DOWN, WEIGH ALL THE FACTS AND THEN DECIDE WHETHER TO SIGN A "WAIVER?" OH, PLEASE!  WE'RE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, WE'RE LAUGHING SO HARD! THIS IS ANOTHER "DRUDGE-FACED" LIE. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DOES NOT SIT AROUND WATCHING ALL FBI MOVEMENTS--OR ANY OF THEM, FOR THAT MATTER!]

You wrote in your book the president was watching TV, watching Waco burn from the Oval Office. Is that right?

[THIS HAD US HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER FOR THE SECOND TIME IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN SECONDS. DOES IT MATTER TO DRUDGE? NO, OF COURSE NOT. HE JUST WANTED TO GET THAT LINE OUT--A CLAIM THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS "SITTING AROUND WATCHING WACO BURN"--WHETHER OR NOT IT IS TRUE. WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT THE MORONS WHO WATCH HIS PAP WILL SIMPLY ADOPT A QUESTION AS A STATED FACT. THAT'S WHY!]

ALDRICH: I don't recall that part in my book, but I did get a chance, interestingly enough, to talk to the president after he had gone on his first news conference about the Waco tragedy. And he was in that he has the children in his sights at all times. I couldn't understand it.

[WHAT? THAT SENTENCE IS UNINTELLIGIBLE: "...THAT HE WAS IN THAT HE HAS THE CHILDREN IN HIS SIGHTS... "--ANOTHER NON-SENTENCE WHICH SAYS NOTHING, AND IMPLIES NOTHING BUT GIBBERISH. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS GUY? HE CAN'T EVEN FORM A SENTENCE!]

We were very traumatized by the death of these 24 or more children, 17 of them under the age of 10. And yet here was the president in such a jolly mood. I didn't get it. I didn't understand it.

[OH, THE PRESIDENT WAS IN A "JOLLY MOOD," HUH? YEAH, RIGHT. NOW CLINTON LOVES TO BURN CHILDREN, DOES HE? WHAT OTHER CRAP CAN YOU MAKE UP, ALDRICH? MY GOD, WE ARE IN TROUBLE IN THIS COUNTRY IF THIS CLINTON-HATING FASCIST IS ACTUALLY RUNNING AROUND FREE AND NOT IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION--OR A PRISON, WHERE HE BELONGS. AND HE IS BEING INTERVIEWED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION--EVEN IF IT IS A FOURTH-RATE CABLE TELEVISION NETWORK WITH A FELLOW MANIAC WHOSE ONLY BRIEF IS TO VERBALLY GANG-RAPE THE CLINTONS ASKING THE QUESTIONS.]

DRUDGE: You didn't get it.

ALDRICH: No.

DRUDGE: Well, I wonder if Danforth is going to have the guts to depose the president on this.

[OH, SURE. DANFORTH WILL INTERVIEW THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ABOUT HIS CONSPIRATORIAL ROLE IN BURNING CHILDREN. NOW THAT'S FUNNY! DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID?]

ALDRICH: Well, I think he needs to get into the issue of who was what the American people want to know.

It was a seriously flawed plan, it was a dangerous gamble. I doubt that the FBI had just one option to present to the attorney general. I think they probably presented other options to her. But the issue here was: We need to get this matter resolved and now. And the "we" that I'm talking about are persons in the White House who felt that the media was taking big chunks out of Bill Clinton's reputation because he looked impotent against this David Koresh.

[WELL, THAT WAS A SURPRISE!  ALDRICH IS CAPABLE OF MAKING THE OCCASIONAL INTELLIGENT REMARK--BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS THEY GAVE THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY CLEAR THAT WHATEVER THE "OPTIONS" WERE, THEY LIED TO HER ABOUT THE SITUATION--OR AT THE VERY LEAST LEAST WERE GUILTY OF HIDING MANY FACTS FROM HER.]

DRUDGE: Well, exactly. Do you feel vindicated at all? Rereading your book, "Unlimited Access" with -- And quite frankly, that's the title.

[HAHAHAHA! "UNLIMITED ACCESS." SURE. TO WHAT? THE PROMOTION BUDGET OF HIS HARD-RIGHT PUBLISHING HOUSE? EX-DIRTY-TRICKSTER TURNED BOOK AGENT LUCIANNE GOLDBERG? OR MAYBE ST. ELIZABETH'S HOSPITAL?]

ALDRICH: Yes.

DRUDGE: With all the funny money and the China and everything else that's developed, you must now feel, "Folks, I told you so."

[FUNNY MONEY? THERE'S NOTHING "FUNNY" ABOUT IT, MATT. IF THE CHINESE OFFERED YOU $25,000 MORE A YEAR TO DO A SHOW IN BEIJING YOU'D PROBABLY TAKE IT--SO YOU COULD INCREASE YOUR INCOME FROM THE MEASLY $100-THOU-PLUS YOU EARN NOW!

AND, BY THE WAY, "GENIUS," HERE'S A QUESTION FOR YOU--HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOUR BUDDY HALEY BARBOUR TAKE FROM THE CHINESE AND OTHER ASIAN FOREIGN NATIONALS? AND HOW EXACTLY DID NEWT AND ALMOST-SPEKAER OF THE HOUSE LIVINGSTONE PAY FOR THOSE HOOKERS? YOU ARE A PATHETIC SPINNER OF HALF-TRUTH AND LIES.]

ALDRICH: I feel vindicated, Matt, but it's a kind of a sad vindication because I hoped that my book would be shock treatment for a very apathetic public back in 1996, but the Clinton spin machine was so masterful at undermining my credibility before the election that the book didn't have the impact I had hoped it would have.

[OH, BLESS YOU GARY. DON'T BE SAD--JUST POP ANOTHER PROZAC. WHY WOULD THE PUBLIC EVEN READ A BOOK WRITTEN BY A WORTHLESS, DISGRUNTLED, HATE-FILLED EMPLOYEE WHO DECIDED TO GET RICH BY EXPLOITING THE MISERY OF OTHERS? YOU SHOULDN'T BE SAD. YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING IT STANDS FOR UNLESS A VERY HARD-RIGHT REPUBLICAN IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.]

DRUDGE: Well, but we'll leave that for the history folks to determine that. To me it does. And I'll tell you this, the passages about the drug use in the White House now with the press going silly with George W. Bush and the cocaine stuff, why don't they direct the questions currently also to the White House? Because you maintain, at least when you last kissed that place goodbye, there was a percentage of people in there who could not pass muster because they were zonked out on drugs or they had used drugs immediately upon being hired at the White House.

[YES, THOSE "HISTORY FOLKS" WILL ALWAYS FIND THE TRUTH, DRUDGE. AND AS FOR DRUG USE, I THINK YOU SHOULD ANSWER THAT QUESTION, DRUDGE--BECAUSE YOU ACT AS IF YOU ARE EITHER ON SOMETHING OR CERTIFIABLY LOONY. WHAT DOES BUSH DOING COCAINE HAVE TO DO WITH CLINTON? CLINTON ISN'T RUNNING AGAINST BUSHBABY, IS HE? OR IS THIS JUST YOUR PARTY LINE HATE MANIFESTING ITSELF AGAIN? IT IS--DRUDGE PREACHING THE GOP PARTY LINE. WHY DON'T WE ASK THE POPE, TOO? OR MAYBE HALEY BARBOUR AND DENNY HASTERT AND TRENT LOTT? HECK, WHY DON'T WE ASK TRENT WHY HE IRONS HIS SHIRTS IN THE OFFICE AFTER THEY COME BACK FORM THE LAUNDRY? WHAT DON'T WE ASK YOUR LEADERS WHY THEY ARE RACIST OPPORTUNISTS WHO BELONG TO ALL-WHITE COUNTRY CLUBS AND DEMEAN BLACKS--OR USE THEM AS THEY ARE NOW USING J.C. WATTS?]

ALDRICH: That's correct. And Secret Service agents came before Congress under oath and swore that what I said in my book was true, and I gave details. And the Congress was fully briefed -- so was the public -- about the vast number of people in the White House who had serious drug problems.

[VAST NUMBER WITH SERIOUS DRUG PROBLEMS? DON'T MAKE US LAUGH. WHAT DOES THE WORD "VAST" MEAN TO YOU? AND HOW MANY SECRET SERVICE AGENTS WHO HAD NO POLITICAL AGENDA CAME BEFORE THE CONGRESS AND TESTIFIED TO THIS?

THE ANSWER IS NONE, NADA, ZERO.

AND HOW MANY WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS HAD A SERIOUS DRUG PROBLEM? WHO WERE THEY? AND WHAT EXACTLY WAS THE PROBLEM? AND, BY THE WAY, WHICH ADMINISTRATION?  COULD YOU BE TALKING ABOUT COKEHEADS IN BUSHDADDY'S WHITE HOUSE--WHILE MAKING DRUDGE'S IDIOTIC FOLLOWERS ASSUME YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE CLINTON YEARS?

FINALLY, DOES AN OATH MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU? BECAUSE--HAHAHAHA--YOU ESSENTIALLY JUST TOLD US IT DOESN'T! ONLY WHISTLE-BLOWING AND HUMILIATING PEOPLE THAT DON'T AGREE WITH YOUR NARROW FASCIST POLITICAL IDEALS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU--OR DRUDGE.]

DRUDGE: So what do you make of Bush and drugs? Should he answer this question, or is this something -- I know you were very close to his father. You had great respect for the father, who will be on FOX NEWS Monday and Tuesday night with Paula Zahn.

[OF COURSE, DRUDGE, THE QUESTION IS NOT WHETHER BUSH SHOULD ANSWER THE QUESTION--THE QUESTION IS WHETHER HE WAS DOING COCAINE WHILE FLYING ARMED MILITARY JETS OVER TEXAS WHILE COKED OUT OF HIS MIND. AND THE TIME LINE HIS OWN NON-ANSWER ANSWERS INFER THAT HE WAS. AND HE WAS DOING SO AFTER MOVING TO THE HEAD OF THE LINE OF TEXAS AIR NATIONAL GUARD OFFICERS BECAUSE DADDY WAS A CONGRESSMAN PREPARING TO RUN THE CIA--DADDY, WHOSE OWN FATHER FINANCED HITLER!

AND WHAT ABOUT JEB'S WIFE TRYING TO STEAL $20,000 IN DUTIES FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT BY SMUGGLING IN LUXURY ITEMS SHE BOUGHT OVERSEAS?

AND DOESN'T YOUR BUDDY LUCIANNE HAVE DEEP CIA CONNECTIONS?

AND WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT BY SNEAKING TO THE HEAD OF THE LINE--EVEN AFTER HE SCORED A PATHETIC 25% ON THE FLIGHT ABILITY TEST--THE MANEUVERING OF BUSHBABY INTO THE TEXAS A.N.G. RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF SOME OTHER KID ALSO TRYING TO AVOID VIETNAM BY JOINING THE AIR NATIONAL GUARD? DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING?]

At what point is there just enough questioning on this and we should get going on it?

[THERE SEEMS TO BE NO END TO YOUR ATTACKS ON CLINTON BECAUSE HE RIGHTFULLY REFUSES TO TELL US ALL ABOUT HIS PERSONAL LIFE AND HIS SEX LIFE IN DETAIL, YOU LITTLE CRUD. BUT FOR THE SPOILED PUNK SON OF A PUNK EX-PRESIDENT--WHO HELPED MURDER TENS OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS IN CENTRAL AMERICA AND TRADED COCAINE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE MURDEROUS CONTRAS AND SOLD WEAPONS TO AMERICA'S THEN MOST INSIPID ENEMY--THAT'S OKAY, ISN'T IT?  YOU SHOULD BE THROWN OFF TELEVISION FOR YOUR HATE, YOUR HYPOCRISY, YOUR LIES.]

ALDRICH: Actually, I think we've had enough questioning on it. I think that George W. Bush has said all he's going to say about it. And I don't agree that if he were to give some kind of an answer here, that he gave to open new doors, to open new questions. And I think he's taken the best course of action here.

[HOW CONVENIENT--WE'VE HAD "ENOUGH QUESTIONING" NOW THAT IT'S A GOP CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT. YEAH, RIGHT, GARY.]

DRUDGE: Well, but if you happen to currently work in the White House, you won't get asked these questions.

[THIS IS ANOTHER LIE. THEY WERE ALL ASKED--AND YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO DESTROY THEIR REPUTATIONS, EVEN THOUGH YOUR OWN REPUTATION FOR HONESTY AND ACCURACY IS SO BLACK THAT IT'S FATHOMLESS.]

ALDRICH: No, you won't. And the president has been -- It's been alleged that the president of the United States used cocaine when he was governor of the state of Arkansas. I think we'll get that answered first, and then we'll talk about others.

[YES GARY--IT'S BEEN ALLEGED. IT'S ALSO BEEN ALLEGED THAT YOU ARE A PSYCH CASE AND THAT DRUDGE ISN'T FAR BEHIND YOU--TWO NUTBALLS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WHO LIKELY COULDN'T GET A GOOD JOB AT SEARS DECIDING THE FATE OF A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I LOVE AMERICA!]

DRUDGE: All right, Aldrich, thanks. We'll see you again as this develops. It's DRUDGE on Saturday night.

"ALL RIGHT ALDRICH, WE'VE SCREWED CLINTON ENOUGH TONIGHT. WE'VE LIED ABOUT HIM, BROUGHT HIM DIRECTLY INTO RESPONSIBILITY FOR WACO, ACCUSED HIM OF DOING COKE, ACCUSED HIS STAFF OF BEING DRUG ADDICTS.  A JOB WELL DONE."

...IF YOU WERE JOSEF GOEBBELS!

HATCH FINGERED AS OPERATIVE IN KOREAN OLYMPIC SPY CASE!
FBI MAY BE INVESTIGATING UTAH SENATOR
 

• WAS JOHN KIM PLOTTING TO BLOW UP THE WORLD TRADE CENTER?
• WERE NUCLEAR SECRETS PART OF THE DEAL?
• WAS KIM REALLY A GENERAL IN THE NORTH KOREAN AIR FORCE -- OR WAS HE A BAG MAN FOR THE PRC?

by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo and Dratt Mudge

Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999 -- NEW YORK -- See how simple it is?  We know those headlines got your attention.

Just for the fun of it, we thought we'd give a Mudge-esque "spin" to a story that appeared ever-so-briefly  yesterday -- and show what you can do with a story that has no legs, making it into one that does.

Step One: Get a usable story off a wire service, from a newspaper, or off the Internet -- in this case, we are using an actual article from yesterday's online edition of the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call:

Man Indicted In Olympic Bribery Scandal Mentions Hatch
by Damon Chappie
Roll Call -- September 6, 1999 -- Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) has been pulled into the Salt Lake City Olympic bribery scandal by the son of one of the most powerful International Olympic Committee members after the son was indicted last week on charges of lying to the FBI and fraudulently obtaining a green card.

Step Three: Get creative!  A little further down in the story:

...John Kim, who is in South Korea, asserted through a spokesman in New York that Hatch offered assistance in helping Kim obtain a green card.

Kim spokesman William Schechter said Kim's attorneys have a letter from Salt Lake bid president Tom Welch to Kim saying Hatch in 1991 was "prepared to provide special legislation if necessary to overcome any problems that John may have on his green card."

But be sure to make a big deal concerning:

... Schechter [saying]  Hatch's "unsolicited intervention ... begs the question: Why would John have needed this job if not simply for legitimate business reasons?"

Schechter declined to release a copy of the letter but he said the Justice Department was given a copy of it...

Step Four: Finish off by "driving home" your point -- tying the story to any other convenient fabricated "scandal" that comes to mind.  In this case, so-called ChinaGate is the no-brainer choice.  But don't stop there -- for example, increasing speculation that apocalyptic nutballs may pull some horrific stunt in advance of millennial celebrations makes mention of a World Trade Center-type attack a great "tie-in." And you know that accusing Kim of being a "deep cover plant" from Pyongyang will resonate well with the anti-Commie "twilight struggle" crowd!

Now, wasn't that simple?  Because you just know that's how Matt Drudge would have led if it was Clinton that helped the kid with his green card.

'Nuff said!